Blue Sky … Forgiveness

… looking up into the blue sky, feeling my mother’s presence in the sunlight sparkling all through it … the words come to my mind:
“Mother, I forgive you.”

… and then I hesitate before entering my apartment, look up at the blue sky again, though fittingly, I think, a narrower swath of it, as I don’t feel as ready for this yet, and think, “Father, I forgive you too.”

Rubber Ring Panic Attack

Posted by VERITAS
… that occurred while cleaning the blender after making an almond milk (mixing almonds with purified water) plus vegan nutritional powder smoothie, the attack being triggered by a combination of:
(1) the refusal of the the circular plastic fitting on which the cutting blade is mounted to fit snugly with the part above it that comprises the sides of the glass pitcher part, this although it had fit snugly prior to washing;
(2) a feeling of a growing shortage of time before I would have to leave in order to make a yoga Meetup in time.

… only to spot, on the counter, the rubber ring that fits around an indentation in the circular plastic fitting on which the cutting blade is mounted, the ring’s reason for being there that I had removed it from the fitting in order to wash it separately, then placed it provisionally on the counter for drying before refitting around the circular indentation …

Conclusion:
At base was not understanding the behavior of something — which, when I was a child, could very well, I suspect, have been my own body when my father was abusing me — over which I had previously been confidently able to exercise control, and with a feeling of the time during which I might be able to achieve such understanding rapidly running out …

Inner Police State

Posted by VERITAS
Dream Frag:
Of some sort of policeman in some sort of patrol car around which are standing a group of children and adults; the policeman suddenly accelerating from a parked position and, by so doing, running over, or otherwise striking, and killing or nearly killing two of the children, one of whom may be around five and the other one younger … yes, nearly killing, not actually killing, but the children are run straight over, made so flimsy, wavering like paper-thin cut-outs or ghosts.

Interpretation:
– All the people standing around the car, the kids included, are different aspects of my authentic self or my identity states at various times in my life.
– The policeman in the patrol car is the part of my identity state that attempts to impose authority on the other parts for whatever purposes doing so may seemingly suit, such as conforming to others’ expectations so as not to incur their displeasure.
– This authoritarian part of my identity state brutalized as least two aspects of my identity states during my childhood.

Quotidian E Path

Posted by VERITAS
A thought, not for the first time, about the “path to enlightenment,” had, this time, while walking home from the local exercise center on sunny day:
That some average-seeming, unexceptional people — possibly, even, a substantial number of such people — may be able to achieve enlightenment of a scope and depth equal to that of the most skillful, renowned, and “enlightened” practitioners of various disciplines — ranging from yoga to qigong to meditation — known for facilitating enlightenment.
And that it may, at least in many cases, be precisely the most skillful, renowned, and “enlightened” practitioners of such enlightenment-facilitating disciplines who in fact need such disciplines the most in order to achieve degrees of enlightenment which, in fact, may be no greater than those achieved by many people who practice none of these disciplines at all, or practice them only casually.

Doubt

Posted by VERITAS
Roused by an unremembered dream, I lie awake in pre-dawn hours doubting the worth of these Notes. Do they possess any value at all, save, perhaps, as occasional fodder for the bemusement of readers?

And yet by, among other functions of these Notes, examining precisely those things about which I’ve heretofore felt the most embarrassed and ashamed, I hope to gain some enlightenment and to provide it to others as well.