Jacking Posting Fixation

Posted by VERITAS
Wondering where all my posting about jacking, mostly (or entirely?) mine own, is coming (no pun intended) from.  A good place?  A bad place?  Or some of both?

A Good Place:
– Per a healthy desire to free myself from all residual (or a lot more than residual) jack guilt (i.e., guilt about or in some significant fashion otherwise related to jacking) deriving from my father having sexually abused me by, among other things:
— jacking me off;
— jacking off in front of me.

A Bad Place:
– Perhaps my “Jacking Update”s and other jacking related posts are themselves a manifestation of the jack guilt; i.e., an attempt to counter said guilt by being verbally exhibitionistic with respect to my jacking, which verbal exhibitionism simply leaves me wallowing, cock-deep, in the guilt or, at least, in a self-obsessed jacking mentality …

I’m inclined to think these “good place” / “bad place” takes are simply two takes on the same situation, two sides of the same coin, so that the total positive versus negative effect of my jacking posting turns out, in the end, to be a wash (metaphorically speaking of course, as I always jack naked and adequately distanced from any clothing so as to avoid any need to wash clothes of any jacking residue . . . “residue” – what a negative term to use for one’s own semen, which tells me some significant degree of negativity in attitude towards jacking and my sexuality in general may well continue to reside within my subconscious . . .

Added to this, why are my updates “jacking” updates? Why not “self-pleasuring” updates? Doesn’t my use of such pejorative language indeed indicate that, deep down, or at some level anyway, I have bad feelings about these matters? Or is my use of “jacking” simply an attempt to be provocative?

Hamster Spank 4

Posted by VERITAS
Walking in the park, I consider further two possible Bitch Dom / hamster spank-relevant scenarios and dimensions from my toddler-hood:
Spankings I may have received from my mother . . . their possible connections to my father’s sexual abuse:
[As I mull this possibility a crow’s call just now sounds to me like “Mamma! Mamma!”]
– that I may have received spankings for acting out behavior resulting from the stress, anger, etc. caused by the abuse, with the acting out behavior possibly involving:
–– throwing food or objects (cups, bowls, spoons, toys) at my mother
–– hitting my mother
–– obsessive masturbation
– for the way being spanked on my bottom by my mother may have connected physically with my father’s digital penetration of my anus and/or the abuse my father perpetrated on my genitals and anus;
Spankings I may have received from my father, possibly in part out of his needing to displace his guilt about his sexually abusing me onto me, and especially if he were punishing me for acting out behavior such as, possibly, obsessive masturbating …