Bitch Dom as Wall

… mixing my father’s, mother’s, and my own behavior into a single person, the Bitch Dom rises out of my subconscious, rules (so often anyway) my jacking fantasies …

… so I can maintain the illusion that my CSA humiliation and other CSA-related suffering as an infant, toddler, had a reason—to please the Bitch Dom—and that there was an awareness and intentionality behind them instead of their being, as they were, the result of my parents’ blindness (my father’s thinking he wasn’t actually abusing me; my mother not seeing or turning a blind eye to my father’s abusing me), over which I had no control …

… nuts jamb …

… dream I’m playing some sort of pickup basketball game against a whole bunch of people with a friend … rising to the basket with the ball (not a basketball but something else, though I can’t recall clearly what … a folded pair of socks perhaps?) only to find the basket and net jammed with a couple of coconuts which, while hanging in midair, I have to remove (grab from above the rim or pop out from below) from the basket before I can dunk the “ball” or whatever it is through the hoop …

… Do the coconuts represent crazy—that is to say, inaccurate—thinking which I need to toss aside to make progress? As in the slang sense of “coconuts” as meaning crazy?

… Specifically, crazy thinking about my sexuality and masculinity (resulting from my CSA experiences, I would suppose), with the coconuts doing double duty when it comes to ulterior meaning—as a metaphorical stand-in for my balls / nuts; i.e., sexuality, masculinity … ?

… If so, then may my psycho-sexual healing progress …

… shortchanged …

… get off the bus from Narita at its first hotel drop-off and take a taxi to get the rest of the way home, immediately regretting my decision and chastising myself for not, in my straightened financial circumstances, taking the train from Shinagawa Station, little more than a stone’s throw from the hotel, which regret persists as I tell the driver to take whichever of two routes to opposite sides of my neighborhood is the shorter, then ask him to let me off sooner than I’m sure he’d anticipated when I decide to walk the rest of the way … the meter reads 1,360 yen so I hand the driver two one thousand yen bills and he gives me the receipt and change … only after I’ve exited the cab do I check the change and find myself slightly aghast to discover the change amounts to, not 640 yen but just 550–one 500 yen coin and five 10 yen coins, of which five I had assumed without checking closely (enough) that one of the coins was a 100 yen piece, not a 10 yen piece, which would have amounted, properly, to the expected 640 yen in change … by which time the taxi has made its way too far up the slope, at the bottom of which it had dropped me off, for me to catch it …

… until now, for the most part, or at least with the generally pleasant mood the pleasant day and watching the planes taking off at Narita had put me in, Japanese taxi drivers, and as embodied, in this instance, by this driver in particular, had partaken in my mind of my positive, general stereotype of Japanese as being scrupulously fair dealing—acting properly, carefully, and accurately—when it comes to monetary transactions with “O-Kyaku-Sama”—Most Honorable Customers …

… so I found myself speculating as to this driver’s possible motives as I watched his taxi proceed up the hill …

1) … he’s running short of money to meet his basic needs … in his 60s I would guess … facing the prospect of losing his apartment or home and/or of starving, he’s taken to shortchanging customers … ;

2) … he’s contributing any money he can get from shortchanging foreign customers to some anti-gaijin (literally “outside person”—i.e., foreigner), rightwing organization that would like to kick all, or most anyway, foreigners out of Japan … ;

3) … he’s squirreling away as much money as possible for his next stock buy, foreign exchange foray, or gambling spree … ;

4) … he enjoys the pure, solitary pleasure of ripping off—in whatever amount, however small, he can manage—any customer, foreign or native, who exits his taxi earlier than he had anticipated … ;

5) … he had no motive whatsoever but, simply, mistook a 10 yen for a 100 yen piece … ;

In any case, the day was so pleasant and my overall state of mind so positive, this incident hasn’t managed to put a dent (although some part of me, given the chance, wouldn’t have minded putting a dent in his taxi) in my overall upbeat mood …

… diamonding …

… sunlight diamonding the water as the bus to Tokyo from Narita crosses a series of bridges into Shinagawa …

Shunga-Sized …

… park, morning; bright sun, blue sky, air crisp with the smell of fallen leaves … amateur photographers, oldsters mostly, walking about, in search of autumn foliage nature shots and/or birds, I suppose, toting cameras with telephotos of a length and girth, proportionate to their body size, that rival even the most supersized among the schlongs at the shunga (erotic manga) exhibit I recently viewed …

… kindergarteners and pre-kinders running about, searching among fallen leaves for gingko nuts, though most, it seems, have been gathered by previously visiting groups, leaving slim pickings, but the kids seem happy enough …

… and yet despite the pleasant ambience I find myself feeling some sort of anxiety as I make my way through the park, thinking of a woman I love–whether our relationship will grow closer, enter the realm of the carnal; remain one of what I would currently describe as intimate friendship with a leitmotif of flirtation; or slowly or quickly fade … anxiety as I consider the possibility that there may have already been, in our interactions, a number of moments when, had I been given to dramatically impulsive action, we might have become carnally active … wondering if I may have already missed the boat, if there was any potential boat …

… and yet, another part of me feels comfortable in my, so far anyway, non-impulsivity, at least in any carnal sense … if something develops it develops; if not, not … and may develop whether any dramatic, carnal impulsivity on my part occurs or not, for sometimes things may develop by the most gradual of degrees, the smallest of gestures …