Bitch Dom as Wall

… mixing my father’s, mother’s, and my own behavior into a single person, the Bitch Dom rises out of my subconscious, rules (so often anyway) my jacking fantasies …

… so I can maintain the illusion that my CSA humiliation and other CSA-related suffering as an infant, toddler, had a reason—to please the Bitch Dom—and that there was an awareness and intentionality behind them instead of their being, as they were, the result of my parents’ blindness (my father’s thinking he wasn’t actually abusing me; my mother not seeing or turning a blind eye to my father’s abusing me), over which I had no control …

Dream Rendezvous

Posted by VERITAS
Taking a brief – less than ten minute – nap, I dreamed I was going to Crayonhouse to have dinner at their organic restaurant with Thích Nhất Hạnh – that or to observe Thích Nhất Hạnh having dinner – the mindfulness of his eating.

Hard Day

Posted by VERITAS
… a day when the slightest imperfection, in myself or my environment, starts to feel intolerable; when, once home, I find myself attempting to do everything — from pouring water into a mug and drinking from the mug to plugging in my iPhone’s charger cable and attaching it to my iPhone to spreading almond butter on carrot sticks and eating the almond-buttered sticks — with the slowness, deliberation, and concentration of Thích Nhất Hạnh practicing mindfulness movement … seeking inner calm … acceptance of the way things are in all their imperfection …

… or does the way I’m performing such movement lack an essential degree of inner calm and border on a control-freakish obsession with not wanting to create any further imperfection … ?


"Cowspiracy poster" by Source (WP:NFCC#4). Licensed under Fair use via Wikipedia -

Posted by VERITAS
Watched “Cowspiracy” last night and immediately questioned the relevance of the focus of most or all of my posts.  What does it matter whether all of my “Jacking Update” and other posts may in some way, shape, or form — however tangentially — serve my sexual and overall healing when an issue of such overwhelming and urgent importance as the massive contribution of the global livestock / animal agribusiness industry to global warming demands such immediate, concerted attention and action?

Feeling I need to make an intentional / conscious effort to focus more on global sustainability initiatives, and do more for such initiatives via NGO participation — including identifying those NGOs that actually have a significant focus on animal agribusiness, as many of the ones one would expect to have such a focus don’t according to “Cowspiracy” — even though I realize that whatever such contribution I make will amount to a drop in the ocean.

“Undergrounds” Resonance:
This film is all about bringing truth to light, which is what so much of healing from CSA, including all the “underground” – the darkness it produced, has been about for me.

Dream Frag

Posted by VERITAS
… of buying a specific product that would allow the buyer to make three-dimensional models of whatever they happen to have experienced or were considering doing in their life … and, in the dream, that I had to vehemently explain what I was talking about to people …