… lost chance …

… dream frag: … receiving a business card from a woman I’m attracted to along with a yes when I ask her for a date, which we plan to have later in the day, setting the time and meeting place … but then I can’t get to the meeting place by the agreed upon time, and when I do it’s way too late and she’s not there … what’s more, I’ve lost her card and so have no way of contacting her … frustration, loneliness, despair …

Eve of Halloween Eve

I choose the cheapest train route to get me within walking distance of Roppongi, where I’m going to view the Halloween throngs; get off at Azabu Juban, walk the route to Roppongi — down Azabu Juban’s main shopping street, past the Tsutaya-Starbucks, up Keyakizaka Dori, then down Roppongi Dori to Roppongi Crossing — that has the most people, thinking, as I walk, about a woman I love, who said she may come, with her girl friend, to meet me, if, that is, they leave the expensive Halloween party in another neighborhood, a posh neighborhood, they’re going to early enough — a party she invited me to but I couldn’t go to because I couldn’t afford it …

… get to Roppongi and walk the main drag, from Roppongi Crossing several blocks towards Tokyo Tower and back … the crowds not as big as I thought they would be — not the true, surging throngs I saw last year on actual Halloween Eve, but even though tonight is just the Eve of Eve I still expected to see substantially more — more people in costumes, more costume originality, like what I recall seeing last year, and more energy on the street as, even though it’s Friday night and the weather is nice, the atmosphere feels a bit dead … maybe it’s the recessionary economy …? or just, in fact, because it’s the Eve of the Eve and not the actual Eve …?

… wondering, as I walk, what she’ll do tomorrow night, who she’ll see on the actual Eve? … when I asked the other day she only laughed and said after the drinking she would be doing at the party she was going to tonight, she wouldn’t be able to go to another party on the actual Eve … but what if she’s meeting someone else, a possible “rival,” or, worse, someone who already has her heart with no place left for me? … well, if she is, so be it — I want her to be entirely free … though, of course, I’m glad that sometimes she likes to be with me … and I’ll be seeing her next week, an assurance that makes seeing her or not tonight feel less crucial …

… late enough for me to know she won’t be calling or coming to meet me . . . so now it’s down to sitting in the Tsutaya-Starbucks — in one of the upholstered chairs facing the windows on the 2nd floor, where the music is sometimes shitty — popzak, though I like the jazz instrumental numbers they’ve transitioned to for the past twenty minutes or so — but the view — of the terrace with its outdoor tables and the intersection below — is good … good enough, anyway, for solitary rumination on the Eve of the Eve …

“The Road Within”

http://cdn.traileraddict.com/content/well-go-usa/the-road-within.jpg

Posted by VERITAS
Very much enjoyed watching and highly recommend “The Road Within” – excellent story, great acting.

Characters in whose extreme forms of behavior – and related thinking / mental processes – one can see tendencies to which anyone can be prone.  I definitely could for myself anyway.

“Undergrounds” Resonance:
This is very much a movie about self-acceptance, especially acceptance of those aspects of oneself about which one has felt the most ashamed, embarrassed, discomfited, etc., which certainly the case with a substantial amount of the material originating from my “undergrounds” …
As the saying goes, acceptance of where one is in the present provides the only solid basis for change … to the extent that change is possible … and to the extent that change isn’t possible self-acceptance is useful as well.

Lonely at Evening

Posted by VERITAS
… toilet tank filling after a piss … standing before my desk after working at my writing — the content for this site mostly — most of the day, except for a midday walk in the park, meals, toilet breaks, and a few naps, mostly after eating, when, I suppose, my blood sugar spiked enough to make me drowsy … Meetup parties I might like to attend too expensive for my just-scraping-by budget (reasonable perhaps for all-you-can-drink, but my limit is usually one glass of wine or bottle of beer and even that sometimes unfinished and besides I just plan don’t have the money) … a woman I might like to be with recently not available (will she ever be?) … lonely, and the best I can do for it right now is this walk I’m taking, post I’m writing …

Wretchedly

Posted by VERITAS
So wretchedly lonely tonight!
And what I sense is that even if I were, at this very moment, to be making love and/or having the most intimate of conversations with whomever my heart desired, I would still be feeling this loneliness—nothing to assuage it; so deep, acute, irremediable it feels . . .

Something from my past, I conjecture; my CSA childhood.  Something to be grieved . . .