Bitch Dom as Wall

… mixing my father’s, mother’s, and my own behavior into a single person, the Bitch Dom rises out of my subconscious, rules (so often anyway) my jacking fantasies …

… so I can maintain the illusion that my CSA humiliation and other CSA-related suffering as an infant, toddler, had a reason—to please the Bitch Dom—and that there was an awareness and intentionality behind them instead of their being, as they were, the result of my parents’ blindness (my father’s thinking he wasn’t actually abusing me; my mother not seeing or turning a blind eye to my father’s abusing me), over which I had no control …

Jacking Update

Posted by VERITAS
Woke from sleep with a code red urge to jack; no worries as I keep the calendula oil close at hand and proceeded to jack forthwith to the usual fantasies – the Bitch Dom easily seducing me with her perfect body, perfect allure; the Bitch Dom applying the calendula to my nipples, breasts, cock in copious dollops; the Bitch Dom licking, stroking my nipples, cock to max-hardness; the Bitch Dom, in a state of lactation, breast-feeding me until my thirst for her milk is completely satisfied … and with, as has been happening more frequently lately, the Ice-Bitch-Melts variant of the Bitch Dom herself losing control as we fuck, the two of us coming together …

The resonance, as usual, with what I strongly suspect may have been the situation from my earliest infancy, into and through my toddler-hood: my father sexually abusing me in the various ways I remember him doing from the earliest remembered incident when I was three or four; my mother beautiful, attractive to me, but unaware her husband, my father, was abusing me, or, at least, suppressing her awareness, minimizing it to something close to zero; my mother, according to one of her letters from about ten or fifteen years ago, having breast-fed me for only two weeks and then stopping because she didn’t have enough milk (which I suspect was due to her having, a la mode for the 1950s, fed me on a strict time schedule, which according to Internet research, as such strict scheduling contravenes natural cycles of milk production and consumption between mother and child, can easily render a mother’s milk supplies inadequate); my experience with, perception of my mother having, on some levels, been sexualized – more than an infant, toddler’s experience of their mother would normally be – by my father’s sexual abuse; and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah …

And the usual questions:
– Do the Bitch Dom fantasies, in some way, form some sort of protective barrier, or, at least, moderating buffer, between my present consciousness and any suppressed or compartmentalized (or however you want to term it) memories that may be lurking in my subconscious of the complete hell of what the actual situation must have been like if my above-noted suspicions regarding my infant- and toddler-hood home environment – with respect to the effect of my father’s sexual abuse, my mother’s inability to respond effectively to such abuse, etc. – are correct?
– Can these fantasies as well as my indulging them (to the extent that I intentionally indulge them – so strong is their allure, when jacking, that I often feel little or no control over having them) and my otherwise focusing on them in these postings and otherwise in my thoughts help provide a path in my life to greater freedom, or do these fantasies simply help to keep me stuck with baggage it might be better, in one sense or another, to let go of?
– And so on …

Jacking / Self-Pleasuring Update

Posted by VERITAS
(Advocating a Jack-Positive Lifestyle for the Greater Tokyo-Yokohama Area and Beyond)
Sex at Noon:
Jacked / Self-Pleasured to a common fantasy in my recent jacking: Not the Bitch Dom so much – that is to say, with Bitch Dom-like thought pulses / imaginings limited – but simply, for the most part, a beautiful, highly seductive woman . . . who brings me to her place, works out her perfect body in the nude, or wearing the briefest of panties, on her gym equipment; her breasts having just the size, the bounce I find most attractive . . . applies the calendula oil copiously to my breasts, penis, massaging, stroking . . . then straddles me in the arm-less chair I’m sitting in and breast-feeds me (she’s lactating just for me) until I’ve had my fill (this resonating, I strongly suspect, with my mother’s ceasing her breast-feeding of my when I was two weeks old, if I recall correctly what my mother wrote about this in a letter; her stoppage due, I suspect, to her having, I suspect, fed me on a time schedule, which was all rage in the 50s but which some Internet searching indicates can rapidly lead to a mother’s running out of milk, antagonistic as such scheduling is to whatever natural feeding rhythms a mother and her baby might otherwise develop) . . . then places herself over my penis, let’s me inside her . . . the woman in this fantasy not ice-bitching, affect-less, like the Bitch Dom, but, rather, feeling pleasure equal to mine – exquisite pleasure as we bring each other to orgasm . . . then the equally or even more exquisite fall-off as the endorphins – sweet endorphins! – fully kick in . . .

Jacking … Self-Pleasuring Update

Posted by VERITAS
Jacked …, no, make that “self-pleasured” — and a fantastic jack … self-pleasuring it was! — to some of the usual and some atypical (for me) fantasies; that is, to a Bitch Dom hybrid — the hybrid aspect being a RLW (Real Live Woman), a certain K, whose lithe, fit body I find quite attractive (I happen to find various aspects of her personality quite attractive as well), the hybrid possessed of full, firm, lactating breasts which provided me with an ample quantity of mother’s milk even as I fucked her, bringing her to the heights of orgasmic ecstasy as well as myself — a, yes, reciprocal giving and partaking of erotic pleasure, decidedly different from the usual one-way (with the Bitch Dom toying with me, bringing me to orgasm while remaining, all along, in Ice Bitch mode) Bitch Dom fantasy.

Jacking Posting Fixation

Posted by VERITAS
Wondering where all my posting about jacking, mostly (or entirely?) mine own, is coming (no pun intended) from.  A good place?  A bad place?  Or some of both?

A Good Place:
– Per a healthy desire to free myself from all residual (or a lot more than residual) jack guilt (i.e., guilt about or in some significant fashion otherwise related to jacking) deriving from my father having sexually abused me by, among other things:
— jacking me off;
— jacking off in front of me.

A Bad Place:
– Perhaps my “Jacking Update”s and other jacking related posts are themselves a manifestation of the jack guilt; i.e., an attempt to counter said guilt by being verbally exhibitionistic with respect to my jacking, which verbal exhibitionism simply leaves me wallowing, cock-deep, in the guilt or, at least, in a self-obsessed jacking mentality …

I’m inclined to think these “good place” / “bad place” takes are simply two takes on the same situation, two sides of the same coin, so that the total positive versus negative effect of my jacking posting turns out, in the end, to be a wash (metaphorically speaking of course, as I always jack naked and adequately distanced from any clothing so as to avoid any need to wash clothes of any jacking residue . . . “residue” – what a negative term to use for one’s own semen, which tells me some significant degree of negativity in attitude towards jacking and my sexuality in general may well continue to reside within my subconscious . . .

Added to this, why are my updates “jacking” updates? Why not “self-pleasuring” updates? Doesn’t my use of such pejorative language indeed indicate that, deep down, or at some level anyway, I have bad feelings about these matters? Or is my use of “jacking” simply an attempt to be provocative?