Insomnia … Money … Death … Serenity

Posted by VERITAS
Lying awake, middle of the night, worried about money—whether my revenue streams will dry up, my funds run out, and facing homelessness and starvation, I’ll no longer be able to write . . .
Still, it’s peaceful in the moment—with the sound of the fan going, soft, cushioning the otherwise silence . . .

Shortage

Posted by VERITAS
Shortage of funds … deepest shame
Shortage of hope … deepest sadness
A benefactor helps with the shortage of funds
But the shame remains, the sadness even more so

Fear of the Future

Posted by VERITAS
What to do?!  What to do?!
What can I do?
Do I face little or no more than a future of jacking and poverty?
Or, rather, a constant, grinding worry about whether or not I’ll continue to possess the ability to meet my basic material needs, my most minimal desires for sustenance, and not end up on the street?
With this grinding worry to be alleviated only by the occasional jack with its brief, climactic frisson of release, escape to momentary brain-chemical utopia?
But wait? Doesn’t this sort of hellish existence resemble, in some sense, my circumstances as a child during the period of my father’s sexual abuse when I was nine?
With the grinding worry — terror even — that I experienced during the actual abuse, and the worry and other misery that I experienced in my everyday life between each abuse episode (though not directly, consciously about the abuse as I suppressed all memory of the abuse itself when it wasn’t actually happening) alleviated only, or principally, by the orgasms my father’s abuse (before, that is, my penis became all raw and swollen and sore from the excessive attention it received from my father’s hands and mouth) would bring me to — so fleetingly! — when my brain would seize this transitory release to imagine myself floating through deepest space, so far away from my father and the abuse’s hell.
Will jacking provide little more than some transitory escape from whatever hellishness I might experience in my future?  Or will, positively viewed as legitimate self-pleasuring, and self-liberation help provide a path to greater healing, including in the area of material sustenance … ?