Bitch Dom as Wall

… mixing my father’s, mother’s, and my own behavior into a single person, the Bitch Dom rises out of my subconscious, rules (so often anyway) my jacking fantasies …

… so I can maintain the illusion that my CSA humiliation and other CSA-related suffering as an infant, toddler, had a reason—to please the Bitch Dom—and that there was an awareness and intentionality behind them instead of their being, as they were, the result of my parents’ blindness (my father’s thinking he wasn’t actually abusing me; my mother not seeing or turning a blind eye to my father’s abusing me), over which I had no control …

… nuts jamb …

… dream I’m playing some sort of pickup basketball game against a whole bunch of people with a friend … rising to the basket with the ball (not a basketball but something else, though I can’t recall clearly what … a folded pair of socks perhaps?) only to find the basket and net jammed with a couple of coconuts which, while hanging in midair, I have to remove (grab from above the rim or pop out from below) from the basket before I can dunk the “ball” or whatever it is through the hoop …

… Do the coconuts represent crazy—that is to say, inaccurate—thinking which I need to toss aside to make progress? As in the slang sense of “coconuts” as meaning crazy?

… Specifically, crazy thinking about my sexuality and masculinity (resulting from my CSA experiences, I would suppose), with the coconuts doing double duty when it comes to ulterior meaning—as a metaphorical stand-in for my balls / nuts; i.e., sexuality, masculinity … ?

… If so, then may my psycho-sexual healing progress …

Jacking Posting Fixation

Posted by VERITAS
Wondering where all my posting about jacking, mostly (or entirely?) mine own, is coming (no pun intended) from.  A good place?  A bad place?  Or some of both?

A Good Place:
– Per a healthy desire to free myself from all residual (or a lot more than residual) jack guilt (i.e., guilt about or in some significant fashion otherwise related to jacking) deriving from my father having sexually abused me by, among other things:
— jacking me off;
— jacking off in front of me.

A Bad Place:
– Perhaps my “Jacking Update”s and other jacking related posts are themselves a manifestation of the jack guilt; i.e., an attempt to counter said guilt by being verbally exhibitionistic with respect to my jacking, which verbal exhibitionism simply leaves me wallowing, cock-deep, in the guilt or, at least, in a self-obsessed jacking mentality …

I’m inclined to think these “good place” / “bad place” takes are simply two takes on the same situation, two sides of the same coin, so that the total positive versus negative effect of my jacking posting turns out, in the end, to be a wash (metaphorically speaking of course, as I always jack naked and adequately distanced from any clothing so as to avoid any need to wash clothes of any jacking residue . . . “residue” – what a negative term to use for one’s own semen, which tells me some significant degree of negativity in attitude towards jacking and my sexuality in general may well continue to reside within my subconscious . . .

Added to this, why are my updates “jacking” updates? Why not “self-pleasuring” updates? Doesn’t my use of such pejorative language indeed indicate that, deep down, or at some level anyway, I have bad feelings about these matters? Or is my use of “jacking” simply an attempt to be provocative?

Hamster Spank 2

Posted by VERITAS
So that’s it — my imagination having the Bitch Dom part of me, of my imagination, treating the “me” (i.e., male, “real life”) part of me as though I were something on the order of a lowly hamster, trapped on an endless treadmill of slave-like obedience to the Bitch Dom by my uncontrollable attraction to her — to her full breasts that are always plentiful with milk with which to feed me, and to her overall surpassing beauty. And trapped as well by my irrepressible wish to please her — to do whatever she says if only I can avoid her disapproval and anger …

Is this how, as a toddler, I sometimes felt towards my mother?  And felt it even more desperately due to my father’s sexual abuse by leaving my mother as my one parent whose love wasn’t tainted, at least directly, by such abuse and whose love I therefore all the more desperately wanted to keep?  All the while as my father’s abuse in some way sexualized my feelings of attraction to her?  From which feelings towards my mother emerged, to a large degree, the Bitch Dom, who also perhaps incorporates elements of my father’s abuse — such as foundling my nipples and stroking and sucking my penis — into her behavior?

My thoughts on these matters may well remain, to some substantial degree, a matter of speculation, but this possibility, or perhaps probability, of their remaining largely speculative doesn’t, I believe, thereby render them unworthy of consideration or of the time I spend to think them and put them to screen, for the Bitch Dom fantasies have long occupied prime real estate at the core of my sexual identity and, as such, are a subject I feel compelled — in a good way (not a hamster spank way) — to examine and explore.

Hamster Spank Toddler-Hood

Posted by VERITAS
Jacking Update:
Jacked to the usual fantasies with the not uncommon ending twist of me disengaging from my sub behavior and the Bitch Dom from her dom behavior to enjoy, in the final blissful moments leading to climax then through the climax itself, a sub-free, dom-free, perfect equality of power and union.

… And jacked, as well, in the earlier stages of the jack, to a heretofore, to the best of my memory, unimagined link in the chain erotic-pleasure-suffused humiliations my imagination has the Bitch Dom put me through, enhancing the exquisite degradation of these humiliations to an unprecedented degree: the new link being an image of the Bitch Dom, having placed me on — ordered me onto — a treadmill so that I’m on the treadmill on all fours, then, with the tap of a button, starting the treadmill moving so that I have to “run” on all fours to stay in one position so as not to fall off the treadmill, and, as I do so, the Bitch Dom spanking me and spanking me, and, as she does so, laughing with the most pleasurable of sadistic ecstasy at the look of utter humiliation and bewilderment on my face as all this is happening; at the humiliation of the overall sight of this new link that she has contrived (that my imagination has imagined her contriving), and at the notion that she was able to contrive it and then, with my doing her bidding, to carry it through.

The jacking completed, the fantasy over, I now contemplate the possible connections between this new link in my Bitch Dom fantasy chain to my childhood environment during my toddler-hood — an environment in which, based on the sexual abuse I do remembered my father subjecting me to starting from only a year or two after this crawling, toddling phase of my life, I imagine I was experiencing my father’s sexual abuse at this earlier (crawling, toddling) phase as well, and an environment in which I was experiencing, also, my mother’s blindness, however willful it may to some degree have been, to what my father was doing to me.  An environment in which my mother may well have sometimes spanked me, and my father may have done so as well, and in which the reason for my mother’s spanking me may sometimes have been my having acted out the sexual abuse I was experiencing from my father by masturbating.  An environment in which I may have truly been on a treadmill — a continuous cycle — of sexual stimulation and humiliation by my father as he abused me followed by my acting out behavior followed by my mother’s punishment for acting out the abuse, and/or in which my mother, in her however willful blindness, may sometimes have responded with laughter, in an attempt to leaven my and her own mood, in response to the look of bewilderment and humiliation she could see on my face, which look may have often been triggered by any one or more of many mundane failures toddlers experience in their daily lives — failures in their abilities to do what they want to do, move as they would like to move, etc. — but which look, expression may have been enhanced manifold in its intensity by the far more profound feelings of bewilderment and humiliation, connected to my father’s sexual abuse, which such mundane triggers may have activated, thereby making it seem, to my toddler’s mind, although through subconscious mental processes, as though my mother were making light of the bewilderment and humiliation I was experiencing during my father’s abuse.

From such a childhood environment — of sexual abuse by my father together with my mother’s blind neglect and/or discounting of feelings of bewilderment and humiliation I experienced during the abuse and when they would be triggered afterward — from such a childhood seedbed, I sense, the Bitch Dom was born, by degrees, in my adolescent and adult imagination.

These, at least, are my speculations, which I feel have a good chance of being accurate to some significant degree.