. . . facades . . .

How so so very difficult it can be to get at the truth behind all the facades! The facades that we manufacture for others, and those that we manufacture for ourselves.

Bitch Dom as Wall

… mixing my father’s, mother’s, and my own behavior into a single person, the Bitch Dom rises out of my subconscious, rules (so often anyway) my jacking fantasies …

… so I can maintain the illusion that my CSA humiliation and other CSA-related suffering as an infant, toddler, had a reason—to please the Bitch Dom—and that there was an awareness and intentionality behind them instead of their being, as they were, the result of my parents’ blindness (my father’s thinking he wasn’t actually abusing me; my mother not seeing or turning a blind eye to my father’s abusing me), over which I had no control …

Unspooling

Posted by VERITAS
Dream:
Is my writing of these Notes no more, or little more, than a non-productive form of acting out?  Wondering this in the dream — and also thinking of all the unsuccessful efforts my sister made to “get (back) on track” — as, while in transit to somewhere, I go up a long straight outdoor staircase which starts to feel wobbly and so I stop and go back down, realizing it’s an escalator, which then starts to unspool as I reach the bottom …

My answer post-dream, upon reflection:
My writing of these Notes is no more, or little more, than a non-productive, adolescent, grade school-ish, toddler-esque form of acting out only if I don’t engage in reasoned reflection — as a part of these Notes as well — on those aspects of these Notes, such as the Jacking Updates, most likely to possess such “acting out” qualities.

Added October 12, 2015:
Also, that if I don’t lose confidence despite wobbly-feeling moments / days / periods, writing these Notes may help take me to “great heights” in a positive sense . . . useful vantage points . . . though I’m not sure of this interpretation . . .

Jacking Posting Fixation

Posted by VERITAS
Wondering where all my posting about jacking, mostly (or entirely?) mine own, is coming (no pun intended) from.  A good place?  A bad place?  Or some of both?

A Good Place:
– Per a healthy desire to free myself from all residual (or a lot more than residual) jack guilt (i.e., guilt about or in some significant fashion otherwise related to jacking) deriving from my father having sexually abused me by, among other things:
— jacking me off;
— jacking off in front of me.

A Bad Place:
– Perhaps my “Jacking Update”s and other jacking related posts are themselves a manifestation of the jack guilt; i.e., an attempt to counter said guilt by being verbally exhibitionistic with respect to my jacking, which verbal exhibitionism simply leaves me wallowing, cock-deep, in the guilt or, at least, in a self-obsessed jacking mentality …

I’m inclined to think these “good place” / “bad place” takes are simply two takes on the same situation, two sides of the same coin, so that the total positive versus negative effect of my jacking posting turns out, in the end, to be a wash (metaphorically speaking of course, as I always jack naked and adequately distanced from any clothing so as to avoid any need to wash clothes of any jacking residue . . . “residue” – what a negative term to use for one’s own semen, which tells me some significant degree of negativity in attitude towards jacking and my sexuality in general may well continue to reside within my subconscious . . .

Added to this, why are my updates “jacking” updates? Why not “self-pleasuring” updates? Doesn’t my use of such pejorative language indeed indicate that, deep down, or at some level anyway, I have bad feelings about these matters? Or is my use of “jacking” simply an attempt to be provocative?

Hamster Spank 5

Posted by VERITAS
… Hamsters actually enjoy exercising on exercise wheels … provided they aren’t forced to do so …
… but it is as though my imagination’s auto-pilot forces my consciousness onto the treadmill, metaphorically, nearly every time I masturbate to a Bitch Dom fantasy, though often with the ameliorating climax of imagining the Bitch Dom’s Ice Bitch persona melting so that she as well, not just me, experiences passion approaching and reaching climax …

… Ultimately, for me, sexual interaction is all about freedom to choose …
… Yes, in the fantasy I choose my own enslavement, to the Bitch Dom (my Bitch Dom, product of my imagination … my imagination the ultimate Dom) … but my choice is always accompanied by feelings of anguish and distress, telling me that my choice is being made under duress – the duress of my actions being controlled by my attraction to the BD … which I suspect arises out of the conditions of extreme duress of my father’s sexual abuse …

… Ultimately, for me, it’s a all about freedom …